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Maybe you have noticed a pattern in your relationships. You might worry a lot when a partner takes a while to text back. Or you might feel a strong urge to pull away when someone gets close. Some people notice both, and find it confusing. Attachment theory offers one way to make sense of patterns like these.
This guide walks through what attachment theory is, the four attachment styles, how each one can show up in adult relationships, and how attachment is often explored in therapy. It is meant to help you reflect, not to label you.
Attachment theory and our early development
Attachment theory looks at how people form close emotional bonds, starting with the bond between a child and their caregivers. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), the theory was originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. It describes a need, especially in the young, to stay close to and form bonds with caregivers.
The theory also describes the different kinds of relationships that can form between infants and caregivers. The APA notes that these relationships have been shown to affect a person’s later emotional development and emotional stability.
A key idea in attachment theory is the “internal working model.” Bowlby used this term for a set of assumptions about how relationships work, such as what to expect in terms of support or affection. According to the APA, our earliest relationships may form the template for this internal model, which may be positive or negative. In plain terms, early experiences can shape what we come to expect from the people close to us.
Notice that the APA’s wording is careful: early relationships may form the template. Looking at early patterns can be a helpful starting point, without assuming they decide everything.
4 types of attachment styles
Attachment in young children is often studied with a method called the Strange Situation, which the APA notes was devised in 1978 by Mary Ainsworth. It is used with children up to age 2. The child is placed in an unfamiliar setting, meets an unfamiliar person, and goes through two brief separations from the parent. How the child reacts is used to assess whether their attachment is secure or insecure.
From those reactions, researchers describe a secure pattern and several insecure patterns. For adults, the APA describes four attachment styles: secure, preoccupied, dismissive, and fearful. In this guide, we pair each childhood pattern with the adult style that sounds most like it: anxious with preoccupied, avoidant with dismissive, and disorganized with fearful.
Below, each style is described two ways: how it can look in young children, and how it can show up in adult relationships. The adult lists are simply common ways people describe these patterns. They are not a diagnosis.
1. Secure attachment style
In the Strange Situation, the APA describes secure attachment as a positive parent and child relationship. The child shows confidence when the parent is present, is mildly upset when the parent leaves, and quickly reconnects when the parent returns.
In adults, the APA describes secure attachment as a positive view of oneself, as worthy of love, combined with a positive view of others, as generally accepting and responsive.
Some ways secure attachment can show up in adult relationships:
- Feeling at ease relying on others for support
- Trusting that others will be there when you need them
- Not worrying much about being abandoned
- Finding it fairly easy to get close to others
- Feeling comfortable when others rely on you
Secure attachment does not mean a relationship never has conflict. It tends to mean that closeness and independence can both feel okay, and that problems can be talked through. To read more, see our post on secure attachment style.
2. Anxious Attachment Style
In children, the pattern researchers call anxious or resistant attachment looks like this, according to the APA: an infant appears anxious when the parent is present, distressed when the parent is gone, and angry when the parent returns, often resisting contact.
In adults, we pair this with what researchers call preoccupied attachment. The APA describes it as a negative view of oneself, with doubt in one’s own competence, combined with a positive view of others and trust in their ability and dependability. People with this style are presumed to seek others’ help when they are distressed.
Some ways anxious attachment can show up in adult relationships:
- Worrying often about the state of the relationship
- Wanting closeness, while also fearing rejection or abandonment
- Feeling uneasy when a partner is unavailable or slow to respond
- Seeking reassurance often, or feeling jealous when a partner spends time with others
- Questioning whether your partner really loves you
- Having strong feelings, such as anxiety, sadness, or anger, come up in the relationship
If this sounds familiar, our post on anxious attachment style goes into more detail.
3. Avoidant attachment style
In children, the APA describes avoidant attachment as a pattern where infants do not seek closeness to their parent after a separation. The infant does not appear upset by the separation and avoids the returning parent.
In adults, we pair this with what researchers call dismissive attachment. The APA describes it as a positive view of oneself, as competent and worthy of love, combined with a negative view of others as untrustworthy or undependable. People with this style are presumed to discount the importance of close relationships and to hold on to rigid self-sufficiency.
Some ways avoidant attachment can show up in adult relationships:
- Finding it hard to depend on others
- Valuing independence and personal space very highly
- Feeling uncomfortable when someone gets emotionally close
- Pulling back when a relationship starts to feel more serious
- Hearing from partners that they want more closeness than feels comfortable
To read more, see our post on avoidant attachment style.
4. Disorganized attachment style
In children, the APA describes disorganized attachment as a form of insecure attachment in which infants show no coherent or consistent behavior when separated from and reunited with their parents. It is also called disoriented attachment.
In adults, we pair this with what researchers call fearful attachment. According to the APA, fearful attachment involves a negative view of both oneself and others. People with this style doubt both their own and others’ competence, and are presumed not to seek help from others when distressed.
Some ways this pattern can show up in adult relationships:
- Wanting closeness, but feeling afraid of it at the same time
- Moving back and forth between reaching for a partner and pulling away
- Finding it hard to trust others, and also doubting yourself
- Having a hard time asking for help, even when you need it
- Feeling confused about what you want from relationships
Because it holds both a strong wish for connection and a strong fear of it, this pattern can feel especially confusing from the inside. To read more, see our post on disorganized attachment style.
Experiencing emotions across the attachment styles
One helpful way to compare the four adult styles is to look at two questions. How does a person tend to see themselves? And how do they tend to see other people? The APA definitions above describe each style in exactly these terms.
interpretation
Positive view of self, positive view of others: secure. People with this style tend to see themselves as worthy of love and others as generally accepting and responsive. When a problem comes up in a relationship, it may feel easier to talk it through. For example, if a partner seems quiet after a long day, a person with this style might simply ask how they are doing, without assuming the worst.
Negative view of self, positive view of others: preoccupied (anxious). People with this style tend to doubt themselves while trusting others. That mix can lead to leaning on others for reassurance, and to worry about whether that support will last. In the same quiet-partner moment, someone with this style might wonder right away whether they did something wrong.
Positive view of self, negative view of others: dismissive (avoidant). People with this style tend to see themselves as capable while seeing others as unreliable. That mix can lead to relying on oneself and keeping some distance in close relationships. In that same moment, someone with this style might give the partner space, and feel relieved not to have to talk about feelings.
Negative view of self, negative view of others: fearful. People with this style tend to doubt both themselves and others. That mix can make relationships feel both important and unsafe, which may lead to a pattern of reaching out and then pulling back. In the same moment, someone with this style might feel a pull to ask what is wrong and a pull to shut down, both at once.
If you are trying to place yourself, a few questions can help you reflect:
- When someone you care about seems distant, what is your first thought?
- When you are upset, do you tend to reach out, or handle it on your own?
- How comfortable are you when someone depends on you?
- Do your patterns look the same with a partner, friends, and family, or different?
You may find you do not fit neatly into one style, or that your patterns look different in different relationships. That is worth noticing too.
Seeing your patterns in these terms is not about blame. It can simply give you words for what you have been feeling, and a place to start if you want things to change. If you and your partner seem to have opposite patterns, our post on anxious and avoidant attachment in relationships looks at that dynamic, and our post on overthinking in relationships covers one way it can show up.
How is attachment explored in therapy?
Attachment patterns can come up in therapy, especially when someone is working on relationships, trust, or feelings of insecurity. Therapists vary in how they approach this, but the work often includes some of the following.
Understanding your patterns. A therapist may ask about your early relationships and your current ones, and help you notice patterns between them. The goal is not to put you in a box, but to understand what tends to happen for you in close relationships.
Building a steady relationship in therapy. The relationship with a therapist can be a place to practice trust and openness. For someone who has not often felt safe in close relationships, having a steady, responsive person to talk with can be meaningful.
Noticing patterns in current relationships. Therapy can help you see how old patterns show up now. For example, someone who learned to keep feelings to themselves as a child may find it hard to share feelings with a partner. Seeing the pattern can be a first step toward changing it.
Working through early experiences. For some people, it helps to talk about early relationships with caregivers, and the feelings connected to them. This can be done at a pace that feels manageable.
Practicing new ways of relating. Therapy can be a place to try things that feel unfamiliar, like naming a need, asking for support, or staying present in a hard conversation. Over time, some people find these become more natural.
You can also read about emotion focused therapy, an approach our therapists draw on with couples and individuals.
Working on attachment patterns at Panahi Counseling
Noticing your attachment style is a good first step. Changing a pattern you have lived with for a long time is harder to do on your own, and that is where talking with someone can help.
At Panahi Counseling, our attachment-based therapy is for individuals and couples who want to understand their relationship patterns and build steadier, closer connections. Depending on what you need, your therapist may draw on approaches like emotion-focused therapy (EFT), EMDR, or internal family systems (IFS). You can read about our therapists to see who might be a good fit.
If you live in Illinois and are looking for a therapist, we offer in-person sessions in Wheaton and online therapy across the state. You are welcome to start with a free 15-minute consultation. It is a low-pressure way to ask questions and see whether it feels right for you.
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